im a…dreamer

sometimes i feel like im going to die with all my dreams just being dreams. and i have always felt that im going to die…unexpectedly. noone expects anyones death but i feel im going to just….die.

and noone will ever know the things that i dreamt of, the things that i wanted to do and everything that goes on in my head. ill just go away without anyone ever really knowing me. without knowing my dreams. my thoughts. my feelings.

a few days ago i went for an interview and the guy there asked me, what do you want in life? where do you want to be? and i smiled.

noone has ever asked me that before. and then someone, who doesnt even really care asks me. and i quietly said “i want to be successful” and thats not even the beginning of it.

i wish and pray that atleast some of my dreams are realized before that. even if they are small dreams. things like…i want to go see Wimbledon final. the French Open. i want to attend a Madonna concert. i want to fly a plane. i want to meet Oprah.

there are so many dreams.

i pray for my dreams to come true.

rehab

a few days ago my brother Waqas, who has 26 and has led a hard life which at points included drugs, alcohol, rehab said to me it sucks being a grown up.

i dont want to act like one. i dont want to think like one. and i certainly dont want people to think that ive grown up. he said hes sick of this life and to gain some perspective, he wants to go back to rehab.

he wants to be surrounded by people who are labled as insane and crazy.

he said i want to feel that insanity again because that gives me peace.

to sam, with love.

a note that i wrote for my phopho.

i will write more about her later. for now, wanted to share this here.

Sam -

I keep replaying in my head the last time that I saw you and that was when you insisted to drop me and Saad to the airport at 4am for our flight to NY even when we said we can call a cab, take a shuttle, one of the kids can drop us but you said no. I will drop you guys. And you did. And I keep playing those last few minutes at the airport where I had taken out the suitcases and I was stuck between a family and I couldn’t come back 10 steps to hug you and kiss you goodbye. We only waved at each other and I signalled that I will call you and after a moment, you drove away.

If only I knew that that was the last time I was ever going to see you, I would have run back a thousand steps just to hug you and kiss you goodbye.

I talk to Michelle twice a day. And all I keep wishing for is to hear your voice one more time yelling at her “Michelle….Michelle beti” and her going “YES MAMA” and for me to just be on the line saying “how does she know every time that you are talking to me? it just never fails does it?” and we would just laugh and Michelle would say her typical “argh.”

I miss you so much. I hope that you knew then and now how much you were loved and how much you are still loved. But I know something that not many people realize- you never belonged in this world anyway. This world is too cruel, too selfish and too painful for your heart. You are in a better place now. We all know it. Who would have thought that Sam, Allah mians gaye, would beat all of us to that special place. The way God took you away is a proof that you are so dear to Him that He just picked you up in your sleep without an ounce of pain..but gave you just that moment to hug Nadeem uncle, maybe just to say goodbye, thankyou and i love you. Because Nadeem uncle knows and he tells everyone that “she loved me so much, she died in my arms.” And he keeps repeating these words. They probably give him peace and solace.

It’s funny how all of remember so many little things that you had said to us over time. It’s weird how we remember little, stupid things that probably didn’t even mean anything then. But now, they mean more than the world. They are our memories of you. Our special moments with you. We cannot thank God enough for giving you us. Even if it was for such a small while but atleast we had you.

I think every day about all those mornings when we used to have breakfast together. I remember this one time when the weather was so nice and you looked at me so excitedly and said “chal aa samosay lay kay ayain” and I said “I don’t like yahan kay samosay” and you got upset and I said “acha chalain lets go get them but only like 2″ and you said “chor yaar ub tau mood bhi sara kharab kar dia hai.”

There were so many times when you would ask me and Michelle to make chae for you and then you’d say “chor yaar mein khud he bana laiti hoon.” And you would get up and make it because you didn’t like how we made it.

American Idols new season is starting in a few days and everytime I see its clip, I think of you. We saw most of the last season together. We would be the only two so excited about the auditions. And it was funny because whoever you rejected, Simon and the judges would like. And you would get so upset that “I don’t know bhai. I think they are making a bad decision.” Your “I don’t know” was full of disapproval and I would laugh every time.

I remember the first time you took the car on the highway was with me. And all I was doing was laughing outloud and Lubna phopho called in the middle and I could not stop laughing the way you told her we are on the highway and I am laughing at you. When the cars crossed you at fast speed you would go “hai hai hai” and “uff tauba.”

There are so so many memories of you in my head. They are all wonderful and sometimes they make me smile, but sometimes they make me cry so much.

Thankyou for all the memories. Thankyou for taking care of me all those months. Thankyou for being a mother to me. Thankyou for giving me a sister in Michelle. Thankyou for being you. Thankyou for being in our lives just for those few moments.

I will see you when I get there.

All my love and my every prayer.

we can learn, we can teach, we can share the myths, the dream, the prayer

i have been wanting to write for a very long time now but i always feel that i cant express myself with words as much as i would like to.
i know im not good with words at all, but since this is my space and my blog, i can write whatever and however i like. its my place. it doesnt have to be right or wrong. its all good in here:)

this blog i think is going to be mostly about my thoughts, my family, my cousins, my friends…my life in general basically. i say “i think” becase im not sure what direction this blog is going to take eventually. it might not even have a direction..it will probably be just one of those things that i do.

i guess we will all find out together where this goes!

i used to write a diary. i wrote it for 3 years. and then i stopped. i stopped because i realized i didnt like putting my feelings out there, writing them down. that just made everything real. putting it out there in words meant anyone could read what i was feeling. people would find out my thoughts and my feelings. and that scared me. so i stopped.

and ive gathered the courage to start writing again after almost 15 years. in the middle, a few years ago i did start writing again..i started a blog. but i got too insecure of my own feelings and sharing them in an open space so i stopped. i cancelled the blog. im still scared of people finding out about my thoughts and my feelings but i think im a little less scared now.
and a little more secure.

i am still in the process of learning to talk about my things. but i speak up now about my feelings…even if it is very seldom. its still better than not talking at all and keeping everything inside. its taken me a long, long time to get the hang of it..but slowly im getting there. i think its mostly because i feel i found people i am comfortable with and trust with my life that i have become comfortable with my own feelings too.
i am slowly realizing that if i am feeling a certain way…thats okay too.
i will write about these people in seperate posts because thats the least that they deserve. but i am thankful for having them in my life nonetheless!

as i keep writing, you will get to know more about me. i cant write about myself in one post. my life has had too many events and incidents, people coming and going..life uptil now has been an interesting journey.

for the most part, i will write about the 30 odd years ive lived. what ive learnt, what ive lost, what ive gained and the sorts!

if

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on”;

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings – nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man my son! 

something i read and it stayed..

“sometimes you go to a place for all the wrong reasons, and end up staying for all the right ones”

creativity

There were times that the only thing that kept me on this earth was the need and responsibility to create. Maybe McQueen felt his job was done because his last collection was the greatest of the decade. We are all so hurt. I know we’re selfish because he brought so much joy and inspiration. I know how it feels when the night demons come. We can’t let them control our hands and feet. Sometimes when it hurts so bad we just have to lay in the bed. Just lay in bed and don’t move please, I know how it feels. I wish McQueen could have just been still. Don’t let the psychiatrists give you their drugs because it slows down your wings. Society and public opinion can beat the wings off of an angel. When God sees they can’t take it anymore, he brings them back home.

There’s no such thing as fact anymore, only opinion. The closest thing we have to “fact” is “common opinion.” Everything is an opinion. The way you dress is an expression of your opinion. Your religious beliefs are your opinion. The music you turn up loud is your opinion. For most people it’s easier to just agree. For me the hardest thing to do is “just” agree and that is what sparks creativity, the feeling that something can be better, the feeling that something’s missing, the feeling that something’s needed.

- Kanye West